So it starts with me playing ball hockey inside my old elementary school gym. I’m pretty impressed with how vividly I remember that place. Lots of memories. My team was kicking ass and I was pretty much the superstar. After every goal I would leap up on the stage we had and make sure the score keeper was tallying my points. I had 5 goals 4 assists when the teams for the next game showed up and we got booted out.
I was kinda pissed, because they had full body yellow suits, and I didn’t. So I got the hell out of there pretty quickly.
So next thing I know, I’m in a parking lot getting into a fucking 1930’s automobile. I’m in the backseat and there’s 2 chicks in the front. Both of which I have no idea who they were/are. I realize I forgot my wallet inside, but the school has been put on lock down because the next game is going on, so I’m fucked.
The girl slams on the gas, and for an 80 year old car this thing can move baby! It has no roof for whatever reason, and we are now driving full steam through my high school football field.
Out of nowhere, this mini horse is now running right beside us and I am TERRIFIED! It looks sort of like a dog, but it has the gallop of a stallion. So I start to get worried because it’s caught up to us and trying to get inside the car. The dumb bitch driver slams on the breaks and this horse jumps RIGHT ON TOP OF MY NECK. I scream because I think for sure I’m donezo. You can’t survive a horse landing on your neck those things are heavy.
So some how, some way, this horse fucks off. OR – turns into a rabid jack russell terrier – I’m not exactly sure. All I know is that this little yappy dog is now sprinting behind the car. Oh by the way, the car is now a riding lawn mower being driven by yours truly.
I keep sticking my hand out and the dog bites it, then i WHIP the dog somewhere. This is my attempt at getting the dog away from me. Finally as I approach the road I notice a forest. So I let this dog latch on to me and I LAUNCH it in to the trees. I hear it it several branches on the way down.
Now before you go all Anti-Michael Vick on me here, listen up. I’m now walking down the street towards my old home, and this dog is now following me. And he is PISSED. I don’t know how or why, but I am holding a clothes-hanger. The metal kind too.
So as this dog gets close to me BAM! I smoke it in the ass with the hanger. It calms down and when I tell it to “sit” it does. I tell it to sit/stand/sit/stand about 50 times and it listens. Then it TELLS me it’s hungry. So I tell it to go get some fuckin food from the cupboard. He wanders off, problem solved.
Now some woman is yelling at me for training this dog wrong. NOT because I smacked it with a hanger, but because I smacked it BEFORE giving it commands. Apparently, you are supposed to hit it after it doesn’t do what you say, not after throwing it 30 feet up in to a tree. So I told her to mind her own business and, I dunno, go fuck herself or something.
And then I woke up. CRAZY HUH?